WTF is up with Chuck Norris?

chuck-norris-002

You know, I’ve never been a fan of the dude. Even as a young kid, he always struck me as a sort of a fraud; not because he was a white man doing the Asian man’s martial arts -not consciously anyway. But, he always struck me as cheesy; a Steven Segal before Steven Segal was Steven Segal. And it’s a damn shame that it’s the GOAT Bruce Lee that birthed his career. But despite what I thought, I think he really could whoop some ass, at least he seemed to stay on the cover of those martial arts magazines I never bought. And being the Elvis of martial arts wasn’t a bad gig; I’m sure he made some coin. He seemed to have a seething coolness to him- which helped, along with the rumor that he was part Native American. Which I just found out is true!  Fans have even created a series of Chuck Norris Facts for the cat, like “Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. ”  After his string of ridiculous movies, -in fairness/ full disclosure, I saw “Delta Force” but I don’t remember a minute of it- there was the supremely ridiculous “Walker, Texas Ranger” television series. And somewhere in the middle of it all, I think the dude lost his mind. Cuz I could swear that at some point, he was into some Zen-type positive shit.

The moment Barack Obama won the Democratic Iowa Caucuses, I was at work and got a news alert about the results. So I called my wife to celebrate/ dare to dream of him sewing up the Dem ticket when she saw Mike Huckabee on CNN, celebrating his win on the Republican side and she said: “Is that…. Chuck Norris?”
Now, my wife doesn’t dig action films and she’s genuinely aloof when it comes to shit she’s not interested in. So I didn’t think she’d recognize him like that. I was like, “Nah… that’s probably not him? Chuck Norris? Nahhhh… Roffle”

But when I got home, lo and behold, I saw this on the internets.chuck-norris-iowa

Talk about committing to an image. Do 21st century rednecks still dress like that?
But ironically, as much as I thought Mike Huckabee was the most likable Republican candidate in the field, he was equally as crazy. I mean batshit Christian fundamentalist crazy. Not knowing Chuck Norris’ politics, it was jarring to think that a celebrity would co-sign rounding up illegal immigrants and shipping them back to their point of origin- or opposing affirmative action. After all, we’re used to seeing liberal celebrities driving their Priuses (and skipping over American kids in the ghetto) and adopting brown children halfway across the planet. And most conservative celebs don’t make a big noise about their politics unless it’s what make them relevant. Dennis Miller, stand up! But Chuck “Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip” Norris bought into the Mike Huckabee crazy. A “the apocalypse is around the corner” kinda crazy. A “the earth is 6000 years old kinda” crazy. Which ain’t too far from a “Dinosaurs went extinct because Noah couldn’t fit them on the Ark” kinda crazy. He was ride or die for the crazy:

Recently, when Barack won the election in November, Carlos Ray Norris (no seriously!) wasted no time reminding Barack that he was his boss (yessa) in an open letter titled: “Obama, now that you work for me…” Yours truly was seriously expecting to some, “Shine my shoes, darkie” type shit.  Who the fuck says that to a president-elect? The subliminal racist shit wasn’t lost on the Chief Racka, especially since Chuck Norris contributes on the regular to conservative publications that feature the Klan inspired diatribes of Pat Buchana and Ann Coulter. And in his 3 most recent articles, he (respectively, chronologically): 1) Reminds Obama that Lincoln would have probably asked him to shine his shoes (which is true, but still) 2) Calls Rick Warren’s Prayer a Pwning of Obama 3) Exploits the loss of life on 9/11 as a reason to keep torturing people at Gitmo.
So, Fuck Carlos Ray Chuck Norris.

If I was Barack Obama…

“Uh.. look. Chuck Norris has had an interesting career and it’s obvious that he’s caught one too many roundhouse kicks to the head. I’d body his 68-year-old ass if I didn’t think that his karate game was still on point. Just boycott his shit and ignore him and he’ll fade into obscurity”

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~ by Chief Racka on February 3, 2009.

5 Responses to “WTF is up with Chuck Norris?”

  1. Did u know he had a fact book out proclaiming him the world’s greatest human?

    http://www.amazon.com/Truth-About-Chuck-Norris-Greatest/dp/1592403441/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1233797260&sr=8-1

  2. Nope… but more proof that he’s batshit fucking crazy.

  3. Oh.. I think that book is based on that internets “facts” site.

  4. r u fuking gay!!!? chuck norris would round house kick ur fuking arse for saying shit like dat, chris hansen style

  5. chris hansen and chuck norris equal bescht duo evaaaaa lawls plus combat jack is a jerk

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