Michael Phelps Deserves a Presidential Pardon -or- Michael Phelps Should Grow a Pair

maximum lung capacity

When this photograph of Michael Phelps taking a bong hit hit the internets earlier this week, I knew he would hit some choppy water but thought it would blow over pretty quickly and harmlessly. Well it’s hardly been a week but the smoke still hasn’t cleared and things seem to be falling apart for the swimming god. USA Swimming has suspended him from competition for 3 months, which doesn’t have Olympic implications, but being away from balls-out competition [||] for that long could potentially dull his edge. And Kellogg, the cereal company, has also announced that they will not be renewing his endorsement deal, saying Phelp’s image is “not consistent with the image of Kellogg.” Really? In college, when I was high, I would to destroy bowls of Frosted Flakes and that shit was Gggrr… well you know. Seriously though, the super sweetness of it was an assault on the taste buds and the super crunchiness reverberates in the skull loud enough to make you think that your neighbors can hear you munching. Oh and don’t forget about zoning out, looking at the cereal box having internal debates.  Like: who thought it was cool to have a naked anthropomorphic tiger, well… naked except for a bandanna around his neck, as the brand mascot. So pardon me if I have a slightly different, less holy image of Kellogg’s. And if he has a deal with Frito-Lay (Doritos) they outta give him a bonus.

The other thing that kills me about Phelp’s situation is America’s refusal to evolve in certain parts of society. I’ve read a few opinion pieces about the hypocrisy: It’s well known that every man who’s worked in the Oval Office in the last 17 years has been a midnight toker. And countless lawmakers and law enforcement officials did the same, only they were fortunate enough to not live in an age of ubiquitous camera phones. And they were also fortunate enough “when they were young and irresponsible” to not get ensnared in the bullshit laws they now enforce. Society and laws should listen to culture and logic and see that America has become a nation of weed smokers, if for a brief moment in our lives. Unless a we get another pre-boomer president, there’s a pretty good chance that every POTUS from this point on will have failed a piss test at some time in his/her life. Imagine the course history would have taken had Clinton or Obama had been caught smoking weed as a kid? As much as it would be great to dream about GW, it’s a moot point as it’s documented that Poppy bailed him out and had his record sanitized on at least 2 accounts. But more than hypocrisy, shouldn’t Phelp’s weed smoking serve as a indication that smoking weed isn’t all that bad for you? I mean, it’s pretty much a screaming endorsement of marijuana! Fuck steroids!  Here’s the most decorated Olympian in history, the fastest man in the water and He. Smokes. Marijuana.  It doesn’t affect his performance. He’s not strung out from it. And he’s never actually too far from the water either  -he smokes from a bong.

It’s just too bad that instead of acknowledging that he smoked weed and being apologetic about it, that he didn’t use his star power and athletic brilliance to say “You know what? I smoke weed and no one else on this planet can beat me in the pool. So the fuck what? Your marijuana laws are bullshit”.  Or at the very least, he could quit smoking weed, to avoid future problems, but still use his capital as the epitome of an elite athlete to start a very meaningful debate.  I mean, where’s the crime? Where’s the failure of the role model? Michael Phelps accomplishments debunk the anti-marijuana PSAs (actors, just laying around being lazy) in record breaking performance after record breaking performance. Anyone who swims knows that swimming on that level of competition is fucking gargantuan.
Meanwhile, kids see people smoking cigarettes every day and some of those smokers may be their parents, the ultimate role model. But I guess because cigarettes are legal, the statistics of cigarette related deaths from cancer and lung disease are bullshit … As are the PSAs that have graphic medical footage or feature real throat and lung disease survivors/sufferers. Riiight.

Call me crazy, but I’d take this:

Eight! Eight Gold Medals! Ha! Ha! Ha!

over this

every day.

If I were Barack Obama, I’d release this statement:

“Uh.. Look, this is a delicate situation with Mr Phelps. As a young man, I too smoked marijauna. Our society tells us that marijauna is harmful and that it’s a gateway drugs to more harmful substances. While I have also tried some of those more “harder drugs” as you can see, I did come out quite alright. I think that we have reached a crossroads with the drug laws and the so-called War on Drugs.  And I believe that these high profile cases of very accomplished individuals who smoke marijuana are the norm not the exception to people living very normal and successful lives. I’m going to work diligently with the Justice Department and our law enforcement agencies to modify the marijuana laws.  So… be prepared to have a lungful in celebration”

And remember, you don’t always die from tobacco:


~ by Chief Racka on February 6, 2009.

3 Responses to “Michael Phelps Deserves a Presidential Pardon -or- Michael Phelps Should Grow a Pair”

  1. ^”Michael Phelps accomplishments debunk the anti-marijuana PSAs (actors, just laying around being lazy) in record breaking performance after record breaking performance.”

    good point

  2. Hi,

    I saw your image of Michael Phelps and wanted to use it for a personal powerpoint presentation (at schhol). I make no profit on the presentation, but want to pay for a one time copyrighted use. Do you take credit cards as payment?


    David Fleming
    Franklin, TN

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